Luckystott

2004-04-13 - 2:40 p.m.

Uh�thanks.

Have you been watching this new reality series, "The Swan" ? I�m asking because it�s on FOX. So you probably haven�t seen it. I�m not quite clear on the premise, but I�ve found myself watching it the past two weeks and I�ve got some seriously mixed feelings about it.

Here�s how I think it works (The program is somewhat nebulous on what will actually occur through out the run of the season, so bear with me) : The Powers That Be At The All-Mighty Fox Network have selected 16 broken women to fix up and � I think -- pit against each other for a place in a beauty pageant. Sounds like an easy premise, but let�s discuss, shall we?

First of all, when I say �broken women�, I mean BROKEN. Like I said, I�ve only seen two episodes so far. All the women claim that they have been really ugly their whole lives. So the cameras are all up in their business, totally capitalizing on their heart wrenching stories about low self esteem and teasing from classmates and parents who aren�t proud of them and so on. So there's that. Each week focuses on two women who spend three months in solitary confinement having all sorts of work done. We�re talking THE WORKS: plastic surgery, dentistry, new diet, workouts with a fitness trainer, new hair, new make up�everything. No expense is spared. The cameras follow them through this 3 month process and � this is the crucial part - they have absolutely no access to mirrors during this whole time.

Then � okay, here�s the part of the show I really like � the Powers That Be arrange for a Final Reveal at the end of the show. One at a time, both women are dolled up all fancy-like and are brought before this huge mirror with a curtain in front of it. The curtain is slowly and dramatically drawn back and they are finally able to see their new look. I have to say, I find this one part of the show absolutely riveting. I mean, there�s nothing more awesome than seeing these women see themselves �pretty� for the first time right in that moment. It�s like God is pouring a big pitcher of self confidence right into the tops of their heads � you can actually see it happening! These women start crying and laughing and the emotions are so raw and bouncing all over the place�it�s really incredible.

Then � the part that totally blows: The overhaul team (surgeons, dentists, personal shoppers, diet and fitness gurus) discuss their �projects�. Then, they line up the two beauties side by side and bring out the secret envelope and�drum roll, drum roll, dum dum DUUUUM�reveal which woman moves on to the next level; which is to possibly (?) compete in a special beauty pageant. I put a question mark next to that because I�m not sure what that means. They aren�t, at this point, being clear about it. Maybe �they� aren�t sure either. Remember that �All American Girl� pageant/reality show awhile ago? Boy, that tanked real quick. I think pageants are best when you can snark on the women because they are putting themselves into it WITH SHEER EARNESTNESS: �It�s not about parading around in a bathing suit. It�s a scholarship program! I am in my senior year as an Elementary Education major at Brigham Young University. I speak Tagalog and Finnish. I also sing with a madrigal troupe, build homes with Habitat for Humanity, and recently got accepted into medical school. My dream is to discover a cure for AIDS � and sinusitis -- because my grandfather, who raise me in our tribal wigwam and home schooled me during the harsh Nevada winters, is afflicted like many people in this great country, AMERICA.� You know? I�m just saying. Pageants are their own monster. Don�t try to criss cross them into the reality TV realm. I don�t think it works.

Anyway, back to �The Swan�. Moot point, this whole "special pageant" promise -- because I�ve watched two of these magical envelope selection processes now, and let me tell you, the women are so happy with their new looks...I don�t think they really care about moving on to the next level. The one that gets picked is like, �Oh. cool. Okay.� and the one that doesn�t get picked is like, �Oh. cool. Okay.� There is absolutely no DRAMA in this end part of the show. The network is trying desperately to build some, but it�s just not there. The general energy I am picking up from the women is like, "Beauty pageant? meh. Take it or leave it. Hey, check out my new boobs!" Good point. I have to agree. If I had spent my entire life feeling like an ugly duckling and I got picked to have a free makeover with the plastic surgery and everything? I probably wouldn�t care about a stupid pageant either. I�d be all, �Whatever. I was just here for the free tummy tuck. Thanks.�

I don�t know. I don�t really get the allure of pageants. �Winning� the opportunity to compete in one just seems really lame to me. I think there are three types of women: those who compete in pageants, those who make fun of them, and those who have been so beat up by life that they don�t consider themselves as part of either camp. They don't feel pageant-worthy OR cool enough to make fun of the pageant-worthy. So far, the women they have picked to compete in this show come from that third camp. Man, I'm telling you, they are just so thrilled to feel pretty for the first time in there lives....the drive to compete in a pageant just isn�t there. And that�s why the show doesn�t work for me.

But I do love the �Final Reveal� segments. I will stand by that. Also? The FOX network actually cast a really good host. And that doesn�t happen too often (ahem, Ryan Seacrest = Big Tool). Hostess Amanda Byram is actually quite warm and�uh, supportive, nay, protective�toward the women. She somehow manages to make it all about them without making them feel the pressure of having it be all about them. That�s graciousness, people.

And now, in an unrelated but equally un-gracious musing by moi: is it just me or does Sean Combs' bio for his new B'way endeavor seem a little...puffy?

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