2005-10-18 - 9:38 a.m.
So there I was.
A hot afternoon at Iguacu Falls.
IIIIIn-no-cent-ly eating my ice cream cone.
When who should appear on the scene?
My nemesis: the coati.
Now, the coati is basically a Brazilian racoon. They weigh in about 25 pounds -- the size of a really fat cat. And people food? They like it. A lot.
So I was sitting on the fence, obliviously enjoying my sweet ice cream. Along comes a coati...to rummage, I presume, thru a garbage can about 20 yards away from me. I figured I was safe because I was operating under the assumption that this animal was not as smart as me.
I assumed wrong.
He must have felt me looking at him. He turned around and made eye contact with me and - I SHIT YOU NOT - it was like we had mentally telepathy. The coati was all,
"Bitch. You gots ice cream and I'm gonna get me some."
And I was all,
"Oh no you DON'T!"
And the coati was all,
"Oh yeah? Whad're you gonna do 'bout it?"
Then he charged at me - charged! and started chasing me in circles. It was unbelievable. He just wouldn't stop! I was jumping and shrieking...and I started to panic.
(But, of course, he wasn't getting my ice cream!)
I ran up onto a ramp and finally far enough out of his range that he realized he couldn't catch me.
He lost interested and scampered off.
But not before I taunted him with the Eddie Murphy song from my safe place on the ramp. You know the one:
"I got some iiiiice cream!
I got some iiiiice cream!
And you don't geeeeet none!
Cuz yo mamma's on the welfare!
And yo dad's an alcohooooolic!!"
Damn coati.
I jumped down off the ramp and returned to Freddie, who was still sitting on the fence, laughing hysterically. Laughing so hard he could barely get his next sentence out. And, no. It wasn't "ARE YOU OKAY?"
It was more like: "Man, that happened so fast and so slow all at the same time! Dude! I wish I had it on video tape - do it again!!!"
EXCUSE ME?
Where were you, oh gallant knight of mine, when I was being harassed by this rabid beast of the jungle?
Fred: "Well, I thought about kicking him...but he's really big, yo. Besides, it became pretty clear after he chased you in a few circles that he wasn't going to bite you. If he was going to bite you? He would have done it right away. Oh, shoot. That was SO funny. I wish I had it on TAPE."
It wasn't until after my encounter that we started to notice this:
and this:
And, of course, this episode came right on the heels of a conversation we had right before flying to Brazil. Freddie was all puffed up about protecting me if we were to get mugged and I adamantly told him to LET IT GO. If we found ourselves in that situation, I wanted to just give over whatever the crook wanted because it isn't worth it to get killed on your honeymoon. I know that's a little melodramic and, in retrospect, I regret the weight with which I made that statement because I had absolutely no leverage re: getting ATTACKED by the coati. Fred just shrugged and was all, "Dude, you told me not to fight back. You told me to LET IT GO, right?"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" (your comments here)
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