Luckystott

2005-01-25 - 9:06 a.m.

During my impossible snow AND fire delay on the subway this morning (only in New York, friends), I read an article in the latest Oprah Magazine which, c'mon, you've GOT to be kidding me!

So Oprah - who is lookin' good these days - has decided she wants to lose yet another 10 - 12 pounds. Not that she needs to. But whatever. She has enlisted four of her minions in a self-proclaimed "12 week blitz". She has them "deadbolted - they falter, they're out" (her words in the magazine). Oh, and they get to weigh in ON HER SHOW. ON TV. Ahem. I can't even step on a scale in front of my fiance without having my ego crushed to bits! (Fred: "okay - but honey? you don't really weigh that? I mean, you have JEANS on! and you...have long hair...and..uh...you're gonna start you period in..a few weeks...and...uh...yeaaaaah.") These people are nuts.

Here are the rules:

1. Eat lean protein, two fruits a day and all the greens you want.

2. Keep fat low. You may use a little oil olive for salad dressing.

3. No alcohol.

4. Eliminate white stuff - no bread, pasta, potatoes, rice, candy, cookies, cake.

5. No eating past 7:30pm - not even a grape or sunflower seed.

6. During the twelve weeks you may have 3 days in which you can indulge in ONE drink, or ONE bowl of pasta, ONE slice of cake or ONE piece of bread (just one).

7. Six days a week you will do 20 minutes of resistance training and 30 minutes cardio.

8. On top of that, you must do a second half-hour of working out two times a week, making for eight workouts total.

Um -- I only workout 3-4 times a week and, okay, it's for an hour and a half each time BUT if I was doing THAT MUCH working out? I think I could handle a cookie...or four.

Also, I seriously laughed out loud because...one drink in THREE MONTHS?

Seriously...ONE?

Oh...no. Sweet, sweet liquor. I simply cannot abandon you.

I am not that into Oprah (I got my subscription for free when I re-ordered it for my mom as a Christmas gift), but I think I might enjoy watching her minions meltdown in the face of such a spartan curriculum. Don't eat three hours before bed? I'd never get to sleep if I didn't have a little snack in my belly.

Puzzling thing to me, as I glanced at their profiles, they....aren't that fat. Then I read the little blurbs next to their photos. Okay. They all want to lose that last 10 pounds. Oh. I know "they" say the last few pounds are always the hardest to lose...but I think there comes a point in time where you just need to LOVE the size 12 and have a martini. And a piece of cake. And a bowl of pasta. And "a" piece of bread. And not just once every three months.

P.S. this attitude of mine? Is also, I admit, probably the reason why I haven't booked my broadway show yet. Because in the "real world" I'm quite thin. But in "show business land" I'm not quite thin enough.

Whatever. Screw it. Hey, did I mention I'm getting married this year? I can eat lettuce a la Gwyneth...later.

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